News You Can Use
2-17-99 11:32 am est: I am sick, again. This time I've got a cold. Did anyone else realize just how strange Sudafed is? It put me into a floating type of pseudo-quasi existentialistic state.
2-16-99 9:27 pm est: This morning was a very special morning. I was able to rise and partake in breakfast for the first time in my career here. For breakfast I had a tall glass of orange juice, fresh pineapple slices, and a heaping pile of tater tots.
2-16-99 6:23 pm est: Today I was watching the cartoon version of "Ghostbusters" with my comrade Andrew and we both noticed a very large plot hole. Baby Egon climbs out the window of Ghostbusters HQ and is hanging perilously onto the sign on the building. The three remaining Ghostbusters tell Slimer, the levitating ghoul of ectoplasm, to go rescue Baby Egon. Does Slimer simply fly out the window and go rescue Baby Egon? No, of course not. The Ghostbusters hold Slimer out the window and he stretches down to retrieve Baby Egon. The moral of this story is that if you have a flying ectoplasmic being working for you and you need something retrieved, tell him to fly there, don't hang him, throw him, or project him in any other way.
2-15-99 12:54 pm est: Jodie Foster is not gay. At least, I don't think she is. I mean, not that there would be anything wrong if she was. I just don't think she is. I mean, it's her choice mind you but I believe she's made that choice and decided not to be gay. She's got a kid you know.
2-15-99 12:46 pm est: I've consumed twenty four cans of Sprite and twelve cans of Dr.Pepper in seven days. I can't even begin to understand this. I impress even myself. How can I drink so much soda? I'd also like to mention the fact that I inspire joy-joy feelings in those around me.
2-14-99 12:09 pm est: Ben recently sparked a concern in my mind. I was wondering who actually reads the news. 'Does anyone read this who is not one of the people I think is reading this?' Please e-mail me and let me know you exist.
2-13-99 11:29 pm est: David would like me to mention that the fajitas which were mentioned in an earlier post have rice in them. This is what is causing the fajita to fall apart.
2-13-99 10:36 pm est: I just watched a great movie. Perhaps you have or haven't seen "Disturbing Behavior". I will agree that the plot is a little silly but it's so visually appealing that it more than makes up for it. (I'm not saying visually appealing as in the numerous skirts who walked around in the movie with small shirts on). I enjoyed the scene where the girl smashed her head into the mirror. That whole scene was wonderful.
2-12-99 2:33 pm est: I figured out how Dutch Hollow can improve those chicken fajitas they make. Whenever I order one it falls apart while I am eating it. What they need is some type of edible string that wraps around it and holds it together. It's also a good idea to eat it fast before you realize that it tastes kind of lousy.
2-11-99 11:34 am est: "I'm never going to work another day in my life."
2-10-99 2:21 pm est: I'm a fantastic human being.
2-9-99 11:10 pm est: I just finished transcribing The Psychological Impacts of He-Man and will be placing it online now.
2-9-99 5:30 pm est: 'Minnie Driver' (not the actress that played the girl with the weird head in that movie but rather a pseudonym I am using in order to avoid getting in trouble and becoming dead.) said to me today, "No, I just think that, in general, anyone who is too happy should drop dead and save everyone the trouble." Aren't those sentiments wonderful?
2-9-99 11:58 am est: Today there is a math exam. I've got my lucky pants on. It was suggested to me that I wear lucky socks but I have since realized that I do not own any socks that have been specifically set aside and marked as "lucky". To remedy this situation the Search for Lucky Socks will begin today. It's too late to find lucky socks for the math exam but I'll need them for future reference. I have a physics exam tomorrow and an engineering exam the day after that. I've got to get moving.
2-8-99 6:22 pm est: I just found next month's Xeno Xone logo. It is a photograph from real life. I'll be scanning it tomorrow. It is truly glorious. You should probably send me some mail commenting on what you think of the current logo or past logos. What's your favorite?
2-7-99 5:17 pm est: I just got back from the library. While there I was attempting to do some work. After a period of time a goofy blonde haired moron waltzed in and sat down in a desk nearby me. He then proceeded to eat potato chips and drink soda rather loudly. I wanted to take hold of his head and bash it into the desk until all that remained was a puddle of red.
2-7-99 1:03 pm est: Hey! I got my paper written. It's a bit of a fluff piece but still, it'll make my professor cry. He's a hip cat you know. I'm going to head out to breakfast soon but first, I will perform some inspired dance in honor of the late, great King Hussein. Sleep well King Daddy Hussein, You Da Man.
2-6-99 10:01 pm est: I've got a paper which I really need to get done tonight so that tomorrow I can do the rest of my work but the motivation just isn't there right now. I'm a bit of a slacker. I also wanted to update the Xeno Xone tonight.
2-6-99 4:30 pm est: I just got back from the mall. I've got a spiffy new Nine Inch Nails poster. It's neat. I think it will look fantastic on my wall once I get it hung up.
2-5-99 1:28 pm est: I don't think that I use the adjectives "spiffy", "neat", or "fantastic" enough. I'm going to try to use them more from now on.
2-4-99 4:45 pm est: Some of you may recall the slug incident from earlier this week in which I awoke and a slug was inside my throat. Well, the slugs were back this morning and they were angry. An entire nest had formed in my throat with eggs, colonies, buildings, and disposable housing. The slugs were having a grand old time. I believe they were holding a festival. There was a Slug Picnic, Slug Competitions, and various other Slug Activities all taking place within my throat.
2-3-99 11:45 am est: I'm expecting some real mail today but when I checked my box at eleven nothing was there. More people should send me mail. The world would be a better place if I was appeased with mail. I've also obtained a happy surprise for me which will be made useful this weekend.
2-2-99 7:33 pm est: I just realized that today is Groundhog's Day! Happy Groundhog's Day everyone.
2-2-99 12:33 pm est: Upon entering the bathroom this morning I spit into the sink. Much to my horror what came out of my mouth appeared to be a black slug. The black slug went down the drain before I could catch him and question his motives for being inside my stomach. Perhaps I will find his comrades inside my ear or nose and I'll find out more.
2-1-99 11:06 am est: I've changed the main logo on the Xeno Xone (as you should have noticed) and I've archived January's news. This may seem like typical site maintanence but it's quite a feat because I am sick. I can give you the name and phone number of the cause of this.